A Tale of Dragon's Pee
by POONUS PRODUCTIONS
Summary: This is basically the appendix - further history, for my next story. Provides yet another example that the 'Wheels of the World' are not ultimately turned by Lords and Governors, or gods, but by the small and humble of heart. The battle of the green fields was lead by Bandobras Took after dosing his fellow hobbits with highly concentrated alcoholic drinks.
1. Forward

~Bilbo Baggins~

The book written by J.R.R Tolkien, the hobbit (a great book), for the purposes of this abridged version, with much respect, is a mere thought of what Bilbo thought his adventure was like, however things weren't quite what he thought they were. For after all he was very much drunk. The adventure, in reality, was full of Bilbo's misbehaviour and mischief -which leads to him hitting on lady galadriel, (a part he had entirely forgotten when it was all over) him collecting a great jar of Smaug's pee (the dragon), humiliating the fair elf maidens of Mirkwood and Rivendell and much more. His real confidence and luck came from a magical pint of dragon's pee in which Gandalf had given him to try and get him to come on the adventure. It caused such an extensive effect on poor little Bilbo that Gandalf could never have anticipated.

The story of Bandobras roughly took place from 2700 to 2800 of the Third Age. He was the son of Thain Isumbras III and the great granduncle of Bilbo Baggins.

~Bandobras Took~

Do you know why a dragon can breathe fire? The magnificent beasts of the Ages, whose bodies glimmered in jewels and pristine; and scales as impenetrable a shields, were creatures predominant of the First Age. Glaurung, the first dragon bred by the Dark King Morgoth, was the most powerful dragon, if not the most magical, whose existence only played at the fringes of elven knowledge. A dragon a can breathe fire because of an extremely flammable and concentrated substance within the fluids of a dragon - methanol, (a lighter form of ethanol -pure alcohol) which is extremely flammable and has a sweeter taste than ethanol- a delightful for surprise for curious Bandobras. During the hibernating periods of a dragon, they produce excess unused methanol, which is excreted through the kidneys and stored as urine. A secret that Bandobras' wife fairy helped him discover. The renowned 'Green Dragon' was a pub founded by Bullroarer after his hard sought out adventure to collect fresh pee from the great Green Dragon Uruloki. In those days he was the wealthiest Hobbit alive as he sold small portions of Uruloki's pee to wizards as they stopped by, but of course kept most to himself to pass down his line.

You would know the effect of pure ethanol (alcohol) on us 'big folk.' A fond effect that hobbits have exploited for centuries since the first of their kind started making alcoholic beverages by fermenting their crops. So you can imagine what an extensive effect a small dose of methanol can do to a small little creature as a hobbit. Which includes extended effects of incredible agitation, misjudgement of actions, beaming confidence, luck, turns all speech into poetry, constant flatulations, and a way with the 'ladies' of any sort. Fortunately, Hobbits have developed much greater resilience to the negative poisonous effects of such concentrated alcoholic drinks. What would cause us blindness and death to us when taking such poisons, would have the most marvellous, magnificent an miraculous effect on hobbits; an effect that comes with the envy of us folk.

Bilbo Baggins' mother, Belladonna Took, one of the three remarkable daughters of the Old Took, had a grandfather Bandobras, who was a handsome young hobbit, when he had taken a fairy wife. Fairies in middle earth are somewhat smaller elves - a discreet higher form of the race. They are about five foot by our measurements. They are rumoured to be invisible during the day but illuminate during the night. The elves say Bandobras stumbled upon their woods, very drunk, and fell in love with one of the fairy-elf children. His encounter with them is recounted in the poem of the Fairy-Elves of the Third Age 2828:

Bandobras the Small

Bandobras the small, was bewildered one day

to see so many elves and trees - all merry and gay

now the young fair elf Linnea, proud as any queen

laid eyes on Bandobras, dressed in baby green

Who would look like a child by his size

if not for his tights and stockings that showed his hairy thighs

She said, 'who is this hairy child'

In his drunken state, he flooded flatteries - all meek and mild

'oh thouest most fairest ladiest, thine divine looks have raiseth thine own-self erectile

headed towards you like a growing projectile,

thine eyes glimmer like wells of wisdom

that hath built this divine kingdom

Baby lets go get some BBQ and get busy!'

All the elf-maidens giggled to see the elf-queen blush

whilst awaiting her reply, all fell in a hush

'W-who are you?' she asked in such a way

'I not know who I am, nor how i came to be slightly gay

unless mine eyes are tricked in some deceiving way.

But i am just honored to say,

you make me happy m'lay'

All night she talked to Bandobras, a particularly drunk hairy male

Till, after being served the queens finest foods and ale,

he collapsed on the queen's floor pale!

He woke up sober with no memory of the night before

Linear asked, 'Brandibra my dearest, do you recall?'

'Who the bloody hell are you?'

Bandobras was more bewildered than ever as he sat in a an elven loo

with a split-head aching hangover as he made his biggest poo

that vanished once he saw fair Miriam

he thought her most fairest now, after his delirium

'Hither! I bestow an angel, Miriam is it not?'

She smiled and said 'Yes, my name is Myriam, fairy-elves we are, our lot'

Bandobras and Miriam grew in love

A love Linear hadn't taken the slightest liking of

After several years, Miriam had grown fairer and taller

Making Bandobras seem even smaller!

When they asked for Linear's blessing

she got angry and said 'you are far too small, it is depressing'

In her jealousy, she set a required height

So he resolved his leave to set his height right

'Look for my coming at dawn beyond the canal,

as away i must, and must I shall!'

Miriam cried as she watched her love quickly toddle away

Oh when will Bandobras come back to reclaim his dearest ladiay?

Bandobras the Tall 2829

Bandobras the small was no longer small

for now he was very much big and tall

He who rode through our land

on a white horse great and tanned

'Hither! I bestow an angel, Myriam my love!

Thou art my dove, sort of'

She smiled as he took her hand

just as they had planned

There is dispute about how Bandobras got as big as he was, some say he drank from the draughts of ents, others say he stood on sticks and stuffed his clothes with weed.

There was certainly something very unhobbit like about the Tooks. Once in a while a member of the line would have an unexpected adventure - something very outrageous amongst hobbit culture and considered 'not normal', as hobbits are a very lazy folk and prefer to indulge in smoking, drinking and foods, however good-natured and shy of 'big folk'. (recap of stuff Tolkien had described)


	2. The Battle of the Green Fields

~The Battle of the Green Fields~

Now, Bilbo's Took side of the family was rumoured to indulge in Dragon Pee, an extremely rare and expensive liquid (since dragons are harder are becoming harder to come by), that is only mentioned as a joke amongst the Hobbits of the Shire. Bilbo's great granduncle Bandobras (Bullroarer) Took, known for his exceptional stature, being five feet and five inches tall was the tallest hobbit on record. He was large enough to ride a horse; and he gained his fame for leading hobbits into The Battle of the Greenfields as he charged through the ranks of the Goblins of Mt. Gram as they invaded the Northfarthing. He even knocked off the Goblin Chief Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club (a statue in the Shire depicts this in honour of him). But in truth, victory belonged to his great grand uncle Giuseppe Took who was the one to discover the effects of Dragon pee and pass it down his line. You might hear the witty remarks about the 'Tookish Fever' which, in actual fact, refers to a line of drunk hobbits.

Bandobras had known his kindred were far too weak and shy to battle the ferocious orcs of Mt. Gram, so he had tricked them to drink barrels of ale spiked with dragons Pee by hosting the 'greatest drinking game of the century'. In a matter of minutes a horde of drunk hobbits became not unlike fearless fighting Uruk hai (however, the constant flatulations was a major drawback). During the Second Age, Sauron considered harnessing the power of drunk hobbits, however the major problems were that industrial production of methanol was impractical at the time and he did not want to endure the smell of hobbit farts. Unfortunately many of the hobbit children, who had less tolerance to Dragon Pee, fell with spasms and foamed at the mouth, but no notice was taken. Whilst the Dragons pee tool effect, Bandobras, also slightly drunk, made a great speech:

The Orcs hath come to take all our ale and all our beef

But uphold this day, for there shall be no grief!

for we are the hobbits of great and undying belief

that we will die before they take our Longbottom Leaf!

At the words of 'Longbottom leaf' the hobbits became berserk; they thrashed and kicked things, that served to strike more fear into the blackened hearts of the Orcs. As the orcs marched down the North Farthings green hills like black ants, they were surprised to behold an unfamiliar sight. A great angry horde of agitated hobbits with hot red faces, armed with pitch forks and shovels, chanting jiberish, whom the orcs thought was elven tongue and feared this. Bandobras was mounted on a large white horse of Rohan, and whilst upholding a great solid stump he had plucked from the ground, he shouted:

The age of orcs is over; the time of the hobbit has come!

Charge!

And so a great fear dawned upon the orcs who were overwhelmingly repelled (also partly because of the smell). Some orcs tried to flee but were outrun by the quick nimble feet of hobbits, who tackled them and beat their miserable faces with their hands. Bandobras charged through the ranks of falling orcs and, without any hesitation, with a great swing with his stump he sent the head of the orc king flying beyond the hills. Thus ended the Battle of the Green Fields. Later on, as Bandobras raided the Orc's tunnels, he came across the head of Golfimbul the Orc king in a rabbit hole, hence inventing the game of golf.

There were only slight casualties on the hobbits side, a feat that is marvelled by both men and elves. An on this particular day of every year, hobbits raise their ales to celebrate this victory.

Many of Bandobras' adventures were largely heard of in their shire, as they were dismissed after their bizarre nature.


End file.
